Politician Defends Homophobic Statements By Insulting Another Group of People

Reporter: Senator, are you Homophobic? 

I can’t convey the degree to which I hate that question, because it’s never what is really being asked. If you’re claustrophobic, you have an extreme or irrational fear of confined places. If you’re Arachnophobic, you have an extreme or irrational fear of spiders. By that logic, if you are Homophobic, you have an extreme or irrational fear of gay people. So when someone asks if you are homophobic, is that what they’re actually asking? Obviously not, therefore let’s properly phrase our questions.

Reporter: Senator, do you dislike gay people?

Sure, that’s a fair statement! I find them to be wickedly annoying. I’m tired of hearing them bitching about their problems, because frankly, I don’t care about their problems. Everybody has problems, why should theirs get priority attention? Because they like to suck penises and take it up the arse? 

Women have been doing those activities since the beginning of civilisation, where is their parade? Where is their pride month? Where is their flag?

Secondly, if the Alphabet people need to have a parade, why can’t it be in the suburbs? Why does it have to be downtown where they mess-up traffic for everyone?

Thirdly, what is the census number of the alphabet people, 3.5% of the general population? So, why does 96.5% of the general population have to be preoccupied with the trials and tribulations of this small minority of people?

But as much as I find the alphabet community to be annoying, I probably dislike stoners even more. By stoners, I don’t mean all people who smoke weed, I mean those people who are ridiculously over-creative in their weed consumption methodology. To get a picture in your mind of the typical stoner which I am referring to, imagine any character in a Seth Rogen film.

The M.O. (modus operandi) of these stoners is always the same, “Dude, first we are going to roll a joint, then we’re going to roll a blunt, then we’re going to smoke a pipe, then a few bubbler shots, then a couple of bong hits, and to top it all off - Volcano vape hits!”

And by the time they are finished, the conversation is always the same, “Dude! Dude! I’m so high right now! I can barely move!”

And as I’m watching this adult sized baby, barely able to walk let alone crawl, I’m always thinking to myself, why would you do that to yourself? Why would you get so high that you’re fully incapacitated?

Weed is a utility, you’re supposed to smoke weed and then do shit. The purpose of weed is to make boring shit, fun or at the least bearable. Do you have a boring school field trip coming up? Take a few bong hits!

As a matter of fact, smoke some weed and go to a Biology or Physics class, you’ll be looking at the teacher doing their demonstration experiments in-front of the class and all you’ll be thinking to yourself is, “Dude! Gravity is amazing! H2O is freaking dope!”

A classic example of weed being properly used as a utility, is by the great TK Kirkland.

“Weed is for you and a bitch, in a hotel room with a bottle of Dom Pérignon having a great time! Not sitting in a circle jerk with 7 other dudes passing a blunt around tasting each other’s saliva, that’s how niggas turn gay!”