Politician Explains Why He Avoids Visiting Muslim Districts

Michigan Congressman Ralph Rippedoff avoids his Arab constituents as if he's avoiding the plague. And it’s not all Arabs, he doesn’t have a problem with Arab women or the Christian or Jewish Arabs, it’s the Muslim ones that he can only take in small doses.

He doesn’t know why this happens or how it started, but you can start a conversation with a Muslim Arab about literally anything, from rainbows to kittens and bunny rabbits, and for some strange reason, the conversation will always end up in talking about religion, politics or both.

He was once having a conversation with a friend of his about this video clip he saw on the National Geographic channel or Discovery Channel, where a hornet was attacking a bee hive. And for self-defence to save their queen, the bees would swarm the hornet by becoming a ball of bees with the hornet being trapped inside, resulting in the hornet being suffocated and stabbed to death. And in the process the bees die as well, sacrificing their lives for the good of the bee hive and their queen. It’s basically kind of like a bumble bee jihadi suicide mission.

And as his friend was listening to him describing the video, his friend goes, “Interesting, have you ever noticed, that of the millions or billions of types of insects in the world, only ants and bees are mentioned in the Holy Quran?”

To which Ralph replied, in his head of course, because he doesn’t want to offend the guy, “Word? Word? Are we seriously doing this right now? I’m just trying to tell you about some gangsta shit I saw on the Discovery channel; now I’m going to be part of a 2 hour religious discussion that I never signed up for.”

And he continues to babble with his segue into the religious story, as expected, that Ralph never volunteered for.

Back in the middle-ages when the Arabs held Andalusia, the Muslim scholars and the Christian scholars would get together and have religious debates.

And the Christians pointed out to the Muslims that there’s a chapter in the Quran where the ants spoke to each other to scatter because Solomon’s armies are coming and if they don’t, they’ll be crushed.

And the Christians pointed this out to the Muslims, that bugs, technically speaking are squashed, not crushed. And you Muslims claim that your book is the infallible word of God, how come it says squashed then?

And The Muslims were like, Damn! These Christians got us on a technicality! We don’t know.

But then fast forward into the 19th or 20th century, with the invention of the microscope, we realise that bugs have something called an exoskeleton. So while over the ages we’ve gotten used to saying we squash bugs, technically speaking, we crush them.

After plowing through the story for about an hour, Ralph finally says something, “Hey Ahmed, Omar, Hassan, whatever your name is, listen, that’s a really nice story, but I gotta bounce.”

To which Ralph's friend would reply, “Hold on, hold on! You can’t leave right now! I just told you an hour long explanation on the significance of the ants, now I have to tell you another two hour long story on the significance of the bees. You can’t leave the story halfway!”

To which Ralph then replies, “Screw it! Go ahead, tell me about the significance of the bees.”

So if you plan on hanging out with Arabs, be prepared for some involuntary auditory rape of your cranium receivers, says Ralph.

The second thing which he finds annoying about Arabs, is them constantly complaining on being negatively stereotyped as terrorists. Rather than complaining, they should embrace their negative stereotype and figure out how to properly utilise it.

Imagine the following scenarios, a Middle Eastern man is sitting on a plane in the middle seat, with two empty seats next to him, one to the left and the other to the right, and someone on the plane wants to change their seat and they look at him while he is reading Aljazeera on his iPad, the Arabic version, do you think anyone is sitting next to him?

Or a Middle Eastern guy sitting at the airport lounge waiting for his flight, and he is reading Aljazeera on his iPad, the Arabic version, do you think anyone is sitting next to him for some small talk?

Therefore, enjoy the hell out of intimidating people without really having to do anything instead of complaining, says Ralph.

Let me provide some context, says Ralph. In the forties or thirties or whenever it was that Italians came to America, all of them were stereotyped as Mafiosi gangsters. Today, they’re New Jersey, tanned out, over worked out, Guido clowns. If they could get a taste of some of that Mafiosi/Gangster respect that they had over society, do you think they wouldn’t like a piece of that nostalgia?

They went from Marlon Brando in “The Godfather” to Snooki and Pauly D clowns on the Jersey shore. Therefore Arabs; says Ralph, enjoy the ride while it lasts! Once the word gets out that all of you guys are peace loving pussies, it’s a wrap, there’s no going back from that!