Origin of the Woke Mind Virus Identified

After three decades of research, MIT Professor of Forensic Pathology, Bernard Sniffles, claims he has finally identified the origins of WMV or the Woke Mind Virus.

Bernard doesn’t usually go goo-ga over celebrities, he used to when he was a child. But then once tabloid publications came out and one realises, “Oh! Celebrities are jerks just like everybody else.” So there’s celebrities that he likes, some that he doesn’t like, but there’s one celebrity that he absolutely loathes; and that’s Ben Affleck!

And it’s not because of his movies or acting; he is actually a fan of the majority of his work. It’s not for personal reasons either; Bernard has actually never met the man. Bernard hates Ben Affleck for three very specific reasons.

Reason number one is J-Lo; how do you mess that up?

Every time any of Bernard's friends call him up complaining that they had to break up with their girl, 99% of the time he has the same answer, “Thank god you kicked her to the curb, now we can go back to doing fun stuff again.” But if his friend was dating J-Lo; he would have a word with him.

Bernard: Dude come here, what the F are you doing? Do you see that ass? Do you see that ass on that body? Do you see that face on that body with that ass? You will never ever ever find something like that ever again!

Friend: Bro! She’s difficult!

Bernard: I don’t give a flying f#$k! I have previewed the entire catalogue of models the World Wide Web has to offer; you will never find something like that ever again!  Listen, if you don’t get back with her this second, our friendship is over. As a matter of fact, the only reason we're friends in the first place, is for me to look at J-Lo.  If you don’t get back with her, there’s literally no reason for us to be friends anymore.

Friend: Bro! I’m telling you, she’s difficult!

Bernard:  Listen, if you don’t get back with her, I’m going to tell our entire circle of friends that you’re a homosexual; and everyone is going to believe me. What straight dude breaks up with J-Lo?

Secondly, Ben Affleck’s wedding cancellation, that’s another marvellous act by this genius. Who cancels a wedding four days before it happens? The nerve on this guy.  And many are probably thinking, what do you care? It’s not like you were invited. Well, not exactly.

The wedding was to take place at a beach resort called The Bacara and while the beach resort itself is private property, the beach that it is located on, is still public.

So me and my friends devised a million dollar plan to pay for medical school.  And this was before the time cell phones had cameras. You had to go to places like a CVS, buy one of those $14.99 one-time use cameras and then take it back to the store to get the actual photos.

Our plan was to flank the resort like the D-day Normandy invasion, take a few shots of the wedding, sell them to the paparazzi; and bam! We’re thousand-aires overnight.

The wedding obviously never happened. And because of this jerk, I ended up being stuck with a $100 dollars worth of paparazzi equipment and nothing to do with it. Ben Affleck literally screwed me out of a $100 bucks.

The biggest grudge that I hold against Ben Affleck though, is because of this “Woke” climate that we live in. You know, a climate where you have to be very careful about what you say, specifically about certain groups of people, preferably to be quiet and not say anything at all. You know which group of people I’m talking about; they’ve absorbed 25% of the alphabet for themselves and appropriated 98% of the rainbow colours too.

To be completely honest, I find the alphabet people’s movement and its success to be fascinating, says Bernard. He is old and lucky enough to have seen the movement’s evolution pull a 180 degree rotation.

If you go back to the early 2000s, homophobia was the norm. Not that gay people where being assaulted or anything like that, but there was an unspoken agreement amongst the heterosexual community, that we would not like to be exposed to the alternative lifestyle.

Homophobia was so strong back then, that even heterosexuals were caught in the cross-fire. Bernard himself was caught up in “Friendly fire;” till this day he is traumatised by the homophobia he experienced when he was younger.

God forbid it’s a cold and windy day and you showed up to medical school wearing a scarf; first period to last period all you’re going to hear is, “Dude, what are you, a fag?” God forbid your back hurts and you showed up to class with one of those to the side book bags; first period to last period all you’re going to hear is, “Dude, what are you, a fag?” Till this day Bernard refuses to wear a scarf or have one of those to the side pouches because how traumatised he was by the homophobia of those days.

Excluding the major cities, gays were exclusively in the closet, and you fast forward to today, gays are exclusively out of the closet, and on top of that, celebrated! And as a professional pathologist, Bernard couldn't help but go, “Damn, how did we get here, a complete 180?” So he decided to do an investigation, and he realised that the story all started back in 2003.

You see, the puppeteers of society couldn’t introduce the alternative lifestyle overnight; no, that’s too strong! If you want to screw the public psyche you can’t just raw-dog it; you have to use some Vaseline.

So the puppeteers decided to slowly ease it in at first, they started with a movement called: Metrosexual. Remember that? Seems like ages ago. In 2003, the TV show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy drops; a show about a bunch of queers doing makeovers for slobs so that their wives would want to sleep with them again. And it was an instant hit, everyone loved it!

So the puppeteers decided to crank up the heat a little bit more. More Queery TV shows and movies start to be released: Glee, Modern Family, etc... You couldn’t flip a TV channel without some gay stuff being on.

And in or around 2010 Bernard started to notice something very interesting, the gay movement becomes normalised and even kids at schools start to come out of the closet and be openly gay. Which was a huge risk for them, you know, bullying, peer-pressure; coming out at school used to be risky. If you weren’t accepted, the consequence was you’re basically changing schools. But in 2010 everyone was accepting; hey whatever, it’s your life.

But then something completely unexpected happened. Because up until that point, the heterosexual community was under the assumption that the only other alternative lifestyle, was to be homosexual. But in 2014/2015 all of these other groups started coming out: transgender, gender neutral, asexual, non-binary, new pronouns and everyone panicked!

Everyone panicked! And the puppeteers panicked, “Shit, a 15 year plan is about to go down the drain. What do we do?” And one of the puppeteers had an idea; a genius idea.  The puppeteers decided to contract the help of the most famous family on planet Earth, who likewise yields the most influence over society; the royal family of show business: the Kardashians.

The puppeteers reached out to the patriarch of the family and said, “Bruce listen, there’s no easy way to put it, but you’re gonna have to become a chick. Help us out; a 15 year plan is about to go down the drain. We need you buddy.”

Don’t feel bad for him says Bernard, he is pretty sure they gave him like a zillion dollars to do it.  And they paraded that he/she/it across every TV show America had to offer. And, America calmed down, “Hey, if the Kardashians are doing it, then it must be normal, right?” And the puppeteers had a sigh of relief.

And as you examine this chronological timeline of where we were and how we got here, you ask yourself, who was responsible for that initial nudge or push to get us here.  And the answer is, none other than, BEN-MUTHA-FUCKING-AFFLECK!

Bernard is dead serious when he says that Ben Affleck is solely responsible for this! And he doesn’t make bold statements like this unless he has evidence. Remember! All of this started in 2003 with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and the metrosexual movement. Pushing an agenda through the media is one thing, but you also need real life people with social influence promoting it.

16th of July 2003; The Guardian.

"A metrosexual, according to New York's finest marketing men, is 'a guy who is definitely straight, but has embraced the worlds of grooming facials, shopping with women and ... their feminine side. Celebrity metrosexuals include Hugh Jackman, Justin Timberlake and Ben Affleck.”

August 5th, 2003. The ABC News network. Title of the article: Are you a metrosexual?

Which celebrity most displays your sense of style?

a. Soccer star and fashion plate David Beckham

b. Guy's guy Ben Affleck

c. Ultimate grunge Johnny Depp

If your answer was B, you’re a metrosexual.

In the book, “Reading the Bromance: Homosocial Relationships in Film and Television;” Michael DeAngelis the author writes:

“Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are pictured posing in tuxes, their Oscar Statuettes’ heads touching, Kearnan not only acknowledges the queer connotations here but also factors them into defining “Bromance.” Inevitably asking the question, are they or aren’t they? But Affleck and Damon ... were always good sports, owning the jokes instead of getting defensive.”

So, to the Alphabet community, Bernard congratulates them on the advancements that they have made with their struggle and he felt that it was his civic duty that they are aware of how they made it this far.

What Moses was to the Jews, what Dr. Martin Luther King was to African Americans, Alphabet people, Ben Affleck is that dude for you guys. He is your shepherd, and you are his flock; without his help, you would have never made it to the Promised Land.

Ben Affleck should have schools and hospitals named after him, a Dr. Ben Affleck Blvd. across every major city.