Department of Labor Can’t Differentiate Between Seeking Work & Prostitution

Carl Marx Jr. acting secretary of the department of labor went undercover as a job seeker to understand the average citizen’s plight. After a mix of sending out a 1000 resumes and filling out tedious Workday applications and then going through the recruitment process, a few observations were made.

The first thing that stood out to him was the number of interview rounds. Like who are these assholes who do six rounds of interviews spanning over several months before making a decision? That’s practically a part time job!

The recruitment cycle according to him should be a maximum of three steps. Step one, screening interview with HR to make sure you tick off enough boxes to proceed to the next step. Step two, a test task to understand a candidate’s competency. Step three, interview with the hiring manger or team and that’s it! Anything beyond that should be considered part time employment.

The second thing that stood out to him was the questions or statements that these people say.

“We need to be sure that you align with our company values.”

“We want to be sure that you are a team player.”

“Are you in alignment with our company’s overall vision.”

“How do you feel about our mission statement?”

What kind of questions are these? Am applying for a job or joining a religious cult? Why is the process being over complicated? The relationship is very simple, I provide you with my labor, you provide me with a pay check, end of transaction. During these interviews you feel like a digital OnlyFans whore who is trying to impress these dirty Johns.

Then it’s the job applications themselves. Every job application is broken down into 5 sections.

1. About the company.
2. Job description.
3. Job responsibilities.
4. Job qualifications.
5. Perks and Benefits, i.e. what’s in it for you!

After looking over the perks and benefits of several hundreds of applications, they seem less like perks and benefits and more like shit these companies are required to do by law.  Let’s take a look at the some of them.

• 40 hour work week.

OMG Really? You mean you won’t exploit me beyond the weekly legally allowed limit, how amazing!

• Saturdays and Sundays are off.

OMG Really? You mean you won’t exploit me beyond the weekly legally allowed limit, how nice of you!

• No over time.

OMG Really? You mean you won’t make me work against my will beyond the legally allowed limit, how awesome!

• Excellent company culture & friendly team.

OMG Really? You mean I don’t have to work with assholes, how friendly of you!

• A liveable decent wage.

OMG Really? You mean you’re going to pay the absolute minimum that you are legally allowed to pay me, how generous of you!

• 14 annual vacation days.

OMG Really? You mean you’re going to give me the minimum yearly vacation days required by law?

• Work equipment will be provided.

OMG Really? You mean I don’t have to bring my own chair, desk and computer to the office, how convenient!

Then there is the company career pages themselves. I saw at least half a dozen company career pages where all the jobs listed were exclusively internships, apprenticeships or “Graduate programs” i.e. work for free you newbie university grad if you want to show some real life experience on your resume. These greedy bastards aren’t even satisfied with paying minimum wage anymore, they want you to work for free!

By the time I got done reading some of these ridiculous perks and benefits being offered and seeing these free labor career pages, I was this close to googling the nearest Communist community meet up so that I could join and become a socialist.

You know there was a time when living pay-check to pay-check was considered a negative financial indicator, today it’s actually a positive one, says Carl Marx Jr.

Let’s take a random city, Austin Texas for example, where the minimum wage is $7.25 per hour. You can expect to pay about $1,263 per month in rent for a studio, not even a one bedroom. There’s 40 work hours per week, 160 per month. Multiply 160 by $7.25 you get $1,160.

You mean to tell me I can’t even cover basic rent? We haven’t even approached groceries, gasoline, cell-phone bill, clothes, car lease, etc… I have a full-time job and I can’t even make rent? I can’t even afford to live pay-check to pay-check?

This lady grilling J.P. Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon gets what I'm talking about.

Having gone through the perverted labor market, Carl Marx Jr. has a few pieces of advice to potential job seekers.

1) Be the last one in and the first one out. If you have a 9 to 5, you show up at 9:01 and you leave at 4:59.

2) Don’t be a hard worker. Do not go above and beyond. It’s going to become normalised and always expected of you, people will exploit you for it and it will never be rewarded.

3) If using the human body as an analogy for a company, find a role or a position where you are not an organ but more like a tissue or a fat or an insignificant body part like a wisdom tooth, tail bone or male nipple.

Technically your role is needed but nobody really knows what you do and no body really has any expectations of you. Perfect example is a social media manager. It’s become a staple in every company but not every company actually needs one. Do you think seeing a viral video or social media post for a Boeing plane or a BMW vehicle actually leads to sales? You can ghost your job for a week and no-one would even notice that you were gone.

4) Get a side hustle that covers your basic financial needs so that when push comes to shove in your toxic workplace environment, you can confidently and unapologetically tell management to go fuck themselves.