Secretary of Education Wants To Overhaul Drug Education Program in Schools

After seeing countless videos on various social media platforms of homeless people across American cities strung out on opioids looking more like zombies than human beings, Secretary of Education Buea R. Cratric started to wonder, how did we get here?

Where did Richard Nixon’s War on Drugs go wrong?

What happened to Nancy Reagan’s, “Just Say No?”

Rather than declaring a war on drugs, it could have been completely avoided had people been given a proper drug education from the start, because the current drug education sucks says Buea. Not only does the current drug education suck, once kids reach the age of being teenagers, they start feeling that they were lied to during their drug education programs and therefore start indulging in them.

The current drug education program, D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) has one major flaw, in that it teaches kids that drugs are like Kryptonite. As soon as you touch drugs, before you know it, you’ll be on your knees in a dark back alley somewhere sucking a penis to score some smack.

Drugs are an inanimate object, they’re neither positive or negative, it all depends on how you use them. For example, the Poppy plant. An amazing herb that gave us Morphine and for the first time, complex surgeries can be performed because the patient is numb to the pain. Then some sheisty jerks came along the way and said, “Hey, did you know we can make some heroin out of this?”

Weed aka Marijuana aka Mary Jane

Weed should exclusively be consumed by teenagers, college kids and senior citizens! What do the 3 groups of people have in common? A fuck-load of free time and nothing to do. If you are between the ages of 25 and 45 and you’re smoking weed, I don’t know what’s going on in your life but your priorities are definitely upside down says Buea.

Are parents concerned that their kids are spending too much time scrolling on social media and can’t put down the cell phone? Give them some rolling papers and a Bob Marley CD. Maybe they’ll get some inspiration and start looking at life a little differently or even invent something. Because I know the parents be smoking says Buea, those hypocritical A-holes. Every household’s garage serves 2 purposes, to get away from the nagging wife and kids and then to smoke up a doobie with the Mrs. when the kids go to sleep.

Cocaine aka Cinderella aka Snow White

Are you a long distance truck driver? Are you a Paris Hilton type celebuton who has to make nightly appearances at venues till 5 am? Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction and would you like to have long sessions of passion with your significant other, but due to existing preconditions your doctor cannot prescribe you with Cialis or Viagra? Bump a few lines, you’ll be employee of the month in no time!

Ecstasy

Are you stuck in a 10 year sexless marriage? Do you and your partner look at each other’s physical appearance with absolute disgust? Are you going to marriage counselling paying $300 dollars per session knowing damn well this asshole counsellor isn’t going to fix a damn thing, but you at least want to make it look like you’re making an effort in your relationship? Pop a few THIZZ pills; the two of you will be having sex in no time! As a matter of fact, you’ll probably fall in love again.

Heroin

"Uff! That’s a tough one," says Buea; he has yet to come up with a business use case for Heroin. He thinks the devil came up with that stuff.

And when it comes to all the other drugs Methamphetamine, Crack, Angel Dust, etc… Buea is not even going to waste his time on them. Listen, if you need the help of Mr. Clean and Tide detergent to get high, I don’t know what you’re getting high on but it definitely ain’t drugs, it’s probably some goofy shit, says Buea!

Therefore, if you are on the market and are looking to get high, but you are unsure whether the substance which you are about to consume is drugs or some goofy shit, here’s the litmus test:

So Buea would like to wholeheartedly thank black people across America for verifying his drug use for him. Their contribution has been appreciated and well noted, says Buea!