Linguist Defends Racial Slurs As Being Disguised Compliments

Stanford Linguistics professor Ale Phabetic is a fan of language and especially how it’s used, when it comes to racial slurs. Let’s take a look at a derogatory racial slur for Mexicans says Ale, “Wetbacks.” He does not think the term wetback is offensive at all, if he were to be called a wetback, he would wear it as a badge of honour or sergeant strips, “Like Yea, you damn right I’m a Wetback! I’ve been through hardships!”

For the longest time Ale thought Mexicans were called Wetbacks because they had to cross the Rio Grande River to get into America. But then he looked it up in Wikipedia and found out that the Rio Grande is like 3 inches deep and he was like, “That doesn't make any sense!?”

Wet-ankle maybe, Wet-shin, Wet-Knee, Wet-hip, but definitely not Wetback; that doesn’t make any sense at all!

And then at one point, he met a “Real Mexican” one day who explained to him the origin of term, and Ale was like, “What?! That’s the most awesome shit I’ve ever heard!”

If you’re a, for a lack of a better word, “Professional border crosser” or people smuggler, you don’t cross the border in broad daylight like an idiot when the border patrol can catch you. You do it at night, preferably when it’s raining, and for a number of reasons.

1) It’s at night and raining; so no body is going to be out and about.

2) As you’re crossing the desert, the rain is washing away your tracks, so the next day the border patrol’s dogs, can’t pick up on your scent or tracks.

3) As you’re crossing the border, you have your shirt over your back kind of like a ghetto umbrella, so that you can see where you’re going.

And when you finally get to the safe-house on the other side, your back is wet from all the rain. And the safe house owner goes, “Looks like we got us another wetback here.”

So Ale Phabetic personally believes that if you’re called a Wetback, wear it like a badge of honour, “Like Yea; I’ve been through some shit! I had to James Bond my way across the border, unlike some of you sissies who get tourist visas and then overstay your welcome.”

His second favourite racial slur, which is probably also the favourite racial slur of rednecks, hillbillies, and Fox News anchors is, Sand Nigger or its lighter version, Dune Coon.

Let’s break down that phrase for a moment.

The first word is Sand. There is nothing offensive about sand, it’s a mineral or topography. You have seas, you have oceans, you have forests, you have jungles, you have glaciers, you have marshes, and you have sand. There is nothing offensive about sand. We love sand. We roll around in it, we tan over it on the beach, we build sand castles, sand is awesome!

And the second word of that phrase, is the N-word, which is not an insult to Middle Eastern people at all. I think it’s clearly obvious to everyone, who the N-word is supposed to insult says Ale. So when you take these two words and combine them together, why are Middle Easterners supposed to feel insulted?

When Ale first hears the phrase Sand Nigger, the first association that comes to mind, is that it sounds like a creature that everyone has heard of, but nobody has ever seen. You have Nessie the Loch Ness Monster, BigFoot, Saasquatch, the Abominable Snowman and his long distant cousin or arch nemesis, the Sand Nigger. Where can one go to find a Sand Nigger? I want a selfie with him if possible says Ale.

The only issue that Ale has with the term sand nigger, is that he does not know who to give credit to for coming up with this hilarious term, but he thinks he has narrowed down the suspects.

It definitely wasn’t the Latinos. Last time he checked there weren’t too many Akhmeds and Mokhameds driving cabs in downtown Mexico City. And it definitely wasn’t the Asians, they don’t have military bases in Iraq, Bahrain, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, what do they know about the sand niggers? It definitely, wasn’t the middle/upper class whites either; they’re too busy going to them jobs, that’s why they’re middle/upper class to begin with. Which leaves only two prime suspects.

Which two groups of people have all the time in the world to come up with funny shit and are known to come up with funny shit? The blacks and the Rednecks! It has to be one of them, but Ale Phabetic just can’t be sure which one of them it is.